Countdown to Absurdity: Economic Shambles Edition
Published By: All Right Magazine on December 3, 2008
By FAIRFIELD PINPOINT
Ten of the most outrageous and absurd ways to save a buck in
this economy, featuring the sardonic humor only All Right Magazine can provide.
10. Date Night.
While dining out, order a sirloin instead of a New York strip
steak. And if you’re feeling lucky, ask
the waitress if there is a discount for ordering your steak rare. Be sure to inform her that she will be
saving energy for her employers, saving you money and helping the environment
all at the same time. If she gives you
a dirty look, just save money anyway by not leaving a tip.
the air pressure in your tires. Air is
still free at many service stations, and odds are that you’ll really notice the
.003% increase in fuel economy.
8. The Cable
Guy. You know that you don’t watch ALL
those channels, so downgrade to the next lower tier. Now that Sex and the City is on TBS, HBO is no longer a
household necessity. Also demand that
customers be able to order a la carte.
There is no need for CNN and MSNBC when you already have Fox News.
President-Approved. Money is literally
flying out the window all winter long.
Cut the thermostat, not just a degree or two, but ten or fifteen. Put on a sweater, preferably a cardigan, and
keep your socks and shoes on. Although
a bit culturally insensitive regarding our Asian-American population, it will
nonetheless be a sure-fire way to save on a major household bill and ensure
that energy will last until the ultimate development of wind power.
6. The Top of the
Christmas List. Thanks to the federal
government, there’s never been a better time to rush out and get an HDTV. But with the economy in its current state,
it’s probably best to buy only a 50-inch rather than the larger and inherently
better 65 incher.
Malfunction. Needless to say, this is
the worst economy since the Great Depression, so let’s replace clothes the
“Hard Times” way. You can avoid traffic
and high clothing costs by avoiding the mall altogether. After buying a 50-pound bag of flour for
some cost-cutting, from-scratch, cooking and baking, use the burlap to make
dresses for your daughters. Then when
they outgrow them, pass them down to your younger sons.
4. It’s not
Delivery. Pizza at the restaurant can
cost a fortune. Even having it
delivered comes with gasoline surcharges and the obligatory tip, so just buy a
DeGiorno. According to commercials that
appear on lower-tier cable people just can’t tell the difference. Nota Bene:
If you are reading this north of the border, the Canadian equivalent is
3. Alternate Route.
Lots of states and municipalities count on toll roads to fill the
coffers, but this is yet another slice of one’s budgetary pie that can be
preserved. Taxes are not usually
optional, so take advantage by taking secondary, tertiary, and if necessary,
quaternary roads to get from point A to point B. It may not be the straightest line, but you’ll at least have
satisfaction of not letting Uncle Mayor and Uncle Governor have those last few
hard-earned dollars of yours.
Stuffers. When your children come
bounding out of bed at 4:32 AM this Christmas morning, let them reach into
their stockings and pull out hefty lumps of coal. It’s traditional. They
can burn it for heat if things get as bad as some say they already are. It will help children nationwide be more
respectful for at least one full year.
It’s a win-win-win situation.
1. A Royal
Flush. So many dollars sail away with
each morning constitutional, that the problem simply must be addressed. Several steps can be taken. If you have a two bathroom house, and a
large lot, close down the two bathrooms, turn them into closets, and install an
outhouse. This way, you are expanding
storage space without the cost of adding on to the home. There will also be less space to mow in the
yard, thereby saving on gas money.
However, if this is radical for your home, or if city codes won’t allow
it, then replace the old fashioned rolls of toilet paper with fall leaves. Either way, you will be getting in touch
PINPOINT is a traditionalist by day and traditionalist by night who believes in
the institutions and noble history of our nation. He is but a single
champion of the righteous against the self-righteous and a champion of the
wronged against those who seek to do wrong. He is the editor