Countdown to Absurdity: July 2007 Edition
Published By: All Right Magazine on July 29, 2007
By FAIRFIELD PINPOINT
2007-07-30
The Top Ten Absurdities of July 2007
#10. Life, Liberty, and the
Pursuit of Spare Change. U.S. District Judge Shira
Scheindlin has ruled against various New York law enforcement agencies that continued
to enforce an anti-vagrancy law after yet another judge ruled it
unconstitutional in 1992. Further the
courts have granted class-action status to the multitudes of New York’s beggars. Apparently the judges in this case like to be
approached by unwashed, threatening hoboes.
We the people do not, which is why duly elected representatives wrote
the law in the first place. Perhaps some
creative beggary could be used as a not so subtle protest on the path to the
judges’ parking spots.
#9. Laughing All
the Way to the Chair. Patrick Knight, a death row inmate in San Antonio, Texas, vowed “to keep his execution light” and requested to
use his last words to tell a joke. He
has solicited jokes from fans on a MySpace.com page, which in itself is no
laughing matter, but the details of his crime were gruesome. He bound and gagged his neighbors Walter and
Mary Ann Werner and held them prisoner for hours before driving them to the
country and shooting them in the backs of their heads. In the end, he passed on telling the joke
before his lethal injection, so here’s one instead. Knock-Knock. Who’s There? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
#8. Pauly Shore,
Where Are You Now? Barnstable, MA resident Daniel Ellis has obviously never seen Pauly Shore’s Jury Duty. For those readers who have blocked out the
details to repress the trauma, Shore played a slacker who actually wanted to
serve on a jury in order to have a place to stay. Ellis, on the contrary, wrote on his questionnaire
that he did not like homosexuals or blacks.
When questioned, he also indicated that he was an habitual liar. The court was not amused, and Ellis could now
be indicted for perjury. He should have
known better. He should have just toned
it down and slipped in some slight praise for the death penalty.
#7. You Dropped a Bomb on Me. Japanese Defense
Minister Fumio Kyuma faced public outrage when he uttered the following words:
“My understanding is that it ended the war and that it couldn’t be helped
… I don’t hold a grudge against the United States.” Naturally
he was forced to issue the perfunctory apology afterward. Oddly enough, those demanding the apology
would have preferred a D-Day style invasion with conventional bombing that
would have done even more damage. And
where exactly was the outrage over Pearl
Harbor?
#6. We Find the Defendant…Too
Boring to Matter. In London, a Muslim female juror hid an MP3 player under her
hijab and listened to music during the trial.
The defendant was convicted despite the egregious behavior of his “peers.”
So much for the sanctity of head
coverings.
#5. ID Required on
Good Ole Rocky Top. Tennessee has passed a law requiring store owners to show identification
for all alcohol sales, even if the buyer is eighty years of age with a long
white beard. If only this could somehow
be required at the polls on Election Day.
#4. What’s the
Frequency, Katie? Katie Couric reportedly slapped news editor Jerry
Cipriano several times for placing the word “sputum” in a story on
tuberculosis. In the interest of pacifism,
All Right Magazine offers a solution.
Maybe Couric can read the stories before they go on the air.
#3. Condom Nation. Durex, a manufacturer
of condoms, has advertised for 200 Australians to apply to become official
condom testers. It is an unpaid
position, but the company will provide a product package (excuse the pun) and a
chance to win $1000 Australian dollars.
This could possibly be the first truly win-win situation in
history.
#2. N is For… Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and the NAACP
gathered in Detroit to bury the N- Word in an honest-to-goodness coffin
complete with pallbearers. In a mock eulogy
his honor stated, “Die N-word, and we don’t want to see you ’round here no more.”
Wouldn’t it be nice if they could also
bury double negatives while they were at it?
#1. Down the
Hatch. Journalists in China have uncovered yet another cornucopia of health
code violations. Among the urban
landscape, there are countless peddlers of a “food” called baozi, which is purportedly
similar to a dumpling. But don’t cook
the chicken just yet. The primary
ingredient of the cheapest variety of baozi is cardboard soaked in meat
juice. Finally, one by one, all of the
strange mysteries of the Chinese buffet are coming to light.
